I’m still here. I’m still pondering, and here’s the latest in my journey to peace; inside and out: I’ve been in a meditation challenge this month, meditating every day. And doing some other thinking. I have realized that I have an adversarial relationship with my body, and probably always have had it. When I am working out a lot and strong and slim, I feel good about my body. But other times I feel like something is wrong with me. I have an inkling of where it started, growing up with a very different body style than my petite, fit and attractive mother. 

I’ve been realizing that I also have been depressed for several years as a result of the changes from menopause. I do not think I can get my body to a place where I like it based on my old guidelines of what looks good, because the whole structure has changed. I’ve lost muscle mass and skin tension, and fat has rearranged itself. My muscles are stringier. My skin is saggier and baggier and I have wrinkles. Let’s face it, I AM 50.5 years old, there are going to be some changes as a result. 

So now, I really want to make peace. I want to LOVE my body no matter what. I want to be grateful for every breath it gives me, and how it holds me up all day, and gets me around. I want to take care of it because I WANT to, not out of some idea that I need to accomplish a certain weight or fitness level or look a certain way. I know that if I can get to that mindset, I will move past the mental block I have about working out, being fit, etc. and actually do something consistently because it feels good. I can eat healthy because it is what my friend, my body, needs and wants. Not as punishment for having a body that gets fat at the sight of french fries and a margarita. (that is how eating healthy feels to me now) 

I don’t even know where to start to get to that place of peace and acceptance.