I’m almost 52 years old. I’ve spent the last 5 years since menopause and lifestyle changes feeling ‘less than’ because I used to be an ultramarathoner and could just go out and run 15 miles before breakfast for fun. I wasn’t ever competitive, but I felt good about myself because of what I could accomplish. I felt better about myself because people thought it was amazing that I could run 50 miles. I felt pretty or attractive because I was fit, muscles taught, a certain weight on the scale or size of clothing.

Since menopause, my muscle mass has deteriorated, I’ve gained 20lbs, and things ache. My skin is more wrinkly and saggy. Things droop. I can barely run/walk a 5K and I don’t enjoy it much at all.

I feel weird and unworthy and embarrassed when people mention to others that I ran ultras, did triathlons, etc. I imagine them looking at this 50 something dumpy frumpy woman with disbelief, or worse, pity, that I have sunk so low. Other friends seem to have breezed on through in life, continuing to improve and look better every year. I compare. I spend more time than I’d like to admit scouring the internet thinking maybe if I had something (disease/condition) that I could CURE or TREAT that then I’d be ‘all better’.

What I know is that moving past ALL OF THAT is an inside job…finding a new sport, a new coach, a new goal, etc. is NOT going to bring back the feelings of accomplishment because it will NEVER be what I thought I WAS.

I need an inside makeover, I need to feel worthy because I breathe on the planet. I need to feel successful because I love others and am kind and giving. I need to be damned grateful that I can get get out of bed, get dressed, and feed myself on my own.

I don’t know where I will get that, but I do know (FINALLY) that it’s not going to be by crossing a finish line at any race, or even by trying to get the feeling by associating with others who do. It’s going to take some emotional/mental work for me. It might even take some therapy. I’m on the path, but I have a long way to go.

If this feels like truth to you, I’d be happy to share the journey with you more privately. In any case I hope YOU find peace for your soul, and love for yourself every day!